Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders
by Llama Angel
Summary: Hey, I'm Lily, an unfortunate victim of befriending the Marauders. Hopefully, you will never possess the insanity to be their friend, but if you ever do, there are some things you have to know about them first...
1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

_Hey, I'm Lily, an unfortunate victim of befriending the Marauders. Hopefully, you will never possess the insanity to be their friend, but if you ever do, there's some things you need to know about them first:_

Entry 1 Breakfast 

Breakfast, the best meal of the day, right? WRONG! Unless of course, you would rather wear your eggs, French toast, and pumpkin juice.

I recall from my first year when I first sat with the boys. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I sat beside James that day. It was during the second course when the madness began. I dropped my fork, so I ducked under the table to retrieve it.

When I sat back, it was disaster. Syrup and eggs were flying back and forth across the table. To no one's surprise, James and Sirius were the only ones throwing the food.

I opened my mouth to yell myself hoarse at them, but a few pieces of French toast flew into my mouth. I glared at Sirius from across the table.

"Oh stuff it Evans, we're having fun," he said. Before I could react, James threw scrambled eggs on my shirt and on my lap. Remus, Peter, and I had finally convinced the idiots to stop, as several students were firing complaints.

From that day on, I always pack an extra set of clothes in my bag to change into to save me a trip to the common room. Even though this is my seventh year now, I still remain cautious of Dumb and Dumber.

TIP:

Sit as far away from Sirius and James as you possibly can; this applies to lunch and dinner too. If you want clean clothes, I suggest you sit beside either Remus or Peter. Sitting across from James or Sirius isn't very safe either.

**Well? Is it good? Please review and I'll give you a cookie, a BIG chocolate chip cookie!**


	2. Chapter 2

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter, unfortunately. Alyssa Milrige is just a random person I made up.

Entry 2 Classes

Classes with the Marauders can be fun… and distracting. If I'm working with Remus, it's great because we get a lot of work done, with Peter, it's hopeless, with Sirius or James, it's a whole different story.

I remember in third year Transfiguration, we had to transform teacups into parakeets. McGonagall assigned us partners; and I was partnered with Peter. McGonagall was officially off of my favorite teachers' list at the time. We had to practice on our own teacups first, then correct our partner's if needed.

Mine of course was perfect, Peter's however…wasn't. His teacup turned into a vampire bat. I was mad when it ate my parakeet.

Remus and I tried to change it back, while Sirius and James were laughing their heads off. The vampire bat flew across the classroom. Students were running around screaming. I knocked it out of Alyssa Milrige's hair with a book.

I found Peter cowering under a desk. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Lily," he squeaked guiltily. Before I could yell at him, I felt a sharp pain on the side of my neck. I could feel blood ooze down my neck and I collapsed from the trauma.

I woke up in the hospital wing a few hours later. I didn't yell at Peter, though he was clearly expecting it. I didn't want another incident to happen. I noticed a pattern that when I begin to yell at someone, chaos happens to me.

TIP:

Never, ever pair up with Peter if you can avoid it. I think James and Sirius would be better, at least they know what they're doing…somewhat.


	3. Chapter 3

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

Entry 3 Quidditch 

Believe it or not, there are some good qualities that the Marauders have, they're not always bad, but beware that they're not angels.

James, for instance, has a natural talent for Quidditch, though he never fails to boast when Gryffindor wins, this is immediately after a game. I do sometimes see him being a good team player. He doesn't think anyone's watching him when he is in this mood, so don't let him see you!

The best game that I've watched was last year. Gryffindor was playing Slytherin, naturally. Gryffindor was losing seventy-to-thirty, but they fought like cats. One of the beaters managed to whack a bludger into Crabbe's face. The end of the beater's broom was hit by a stray bludger and he almost fell, but James soared by and saved him. Maybe that's why I like James so much, but he must not ever know.

Gryffindor led ninety-to-seventy. The Slytherins were angry and the game was getting more violent. We lost a chaser and a beater.

Out of vengeance, the Slytherins led again one-hundred-to-ninety. That game was in James' hands at that point. With the exception of the Keeper, the Slytherin team was on James' tail. Our only beater shoved the Slytherins out of James' way.

The plan worked, and James caught the snitch at the Slytherin end. I love when the stands are filled with loud cheers for Gryffindor's victory.

TIP:

Like I said, the Marauders are serious when they have to be, but for James and Sirius, it doesn't last long. James is a great team player on the Quidditch field. Enjoy the opportunity while it lasts!


	4. Chapter 4

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

Entry 4 Hogsmeade 

Hogsmeade, one of the coolest places in the wizarding world, with all of its shops, lots of candy, and the butterbeer! Butterbeer is the best drink on the entire planet!

Anyway, the guys and me separate, depending on where we need to go. The guys usually go straight to Zonko's or the Three Broomsticks. I on the other hand go to every shop in the village. Shopping is so a girl thing. I unfortunately had to learn that the hard way.

A few months ago, Sirius said he wanted to buy a Christmas present for this girl that he likes (poor girl!). Out of pity, I took him shopping with me. That was the biggest mistake that I made in my very young life, and if I continue to hang with these people, there will be many more.

We entered Honeydukes to buy this girl some candy. I happened to know this girl very well and knew what she liked. Sirius had no clue. At first, he picked out the grossest, slimiest, disgusting candies imaginable. He showed me the lollipops that were coated with blood for vampires; the black Pepper Imps that make you breathe fire, and a jar of Cockroach Clusters.

If I had the guts to puke, I would've then, but I think the sight of that stuff made my guts disappear. Why must boys be so gross? Why can't they be normal human beings like us girls? We deserve better than these …_creatures_.

Instead, I bought some lollipops, Pumpkin Pasties, some Droobles Best Blowing Gum (I had some bad experiences with this), Fizzing Whizbees, and anything else that didn't look disgusting or dangerous. Sirius should be on his knees kissing my feet right now.

After some loud arguing and almost being kicked out of the store, I made Sirius put back his choices. It's like a little kid, I swear. For some insane reason, I took pity on him again and when we got to Zonko's, I let him pick everything out.

This girl likes jokes and pranks (right down Sirius' alley). If she didn't like the pack of stink pellets, whoopee cushion, and the dungbombs, well, that was not my problem. Why do I bother at all?

We then went to the Three Broomsticks to meet up with James, Remus, and Peter. They hailed us to a table in the back. I went up to the bar to order our drinks. Another thing which I regret doing.

When I returned to my seat, I sat on the whoopee cushion. The boys laughed hysterically, even Remus. I'm never drinking butterbeer with them as long as I live.

TIP:

Girls, pay very close to this tip. Boys live and breathe for gross and creepy things. Maybe it's the testosterone in them, I don't know. Everything is a big laugh; which is what Sirius and James hold in high regard. Never take a guy shopping with you either; unless you want them to die of boredom. At this point, I think that guys are pretty much useless, except if they're used for servants, hmm…any ideas ladies?


	5. Chapter 5

About time I updated, huh? I'm running out of ideas for this story. If you have any suggestions, please include them in your review. Thanks!

P.S. This prank is from the one in _Half-Blood Prince_.

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

Entry 5 Detention

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I had detention one time, ONE TIME! And guess whose fault it was? Sirius Black and James Potter thank you very much! One of these days, I'm gonna kill the both of them!

It was close to the end of our fourth year. It was a nice spring day, so we were able to relax outside. I was leaning against a tree and studying for the upcoming exams. For some reason, I glanced over my book to see James and Sirius strutting into the castle. I knew immediately that there was something wrong here. I closed my book and left it behind as I followed the boys.

They had no idea I was following them because they were bursting with laughter every few seconds. They almost ran into a fellow student of ours, Bertram Aubrey. This kid was somewhat a… unique individual to put it nicely. He was smart at everything and had no friends and was shy and weird… yeah, you know where I'm getting at.

Anyways, the terrible twosome looked at each other with evil smirks on their faces. Then they looked back at Aubrey, who was standing there like a little kid who can't find his parents in a store. I can't remember now what spell they muttered, but it sure had a _mind-blowing effect_ (Ha! There is a catch to this phrase which will explain what happened to this poor kid.)

Poor Aubrey's head swelled up to twice the normal size and was as big as a pumpkin. James and Sirius were laughing their heads off and kept calling him "pumpkin head". I thought Aubrey was going to cry while his head slowly got bigger. I finally made myself known and shouted at them to bring Aubrey's head down to normal size. Naturally, they didn't listen, so I went as far as threatening them. I pointed my wand at both of them while they started to laugh at me.

And just my luck, a teacher spotted me pointing my wand at them and shouting threats at them. The teacher first shrunk Aubrey's head back to normal, and then Aubrey ran as fast as his fat legs could go. Then the teacher automatically gave me a detention for threatening James and Sirius. But after I explained to him what happened, he gave them detention too.

So then the next night, me and the two stooges had to polish every trophy in the trophy room without magic. I was so embarrassed, I thought I would die. I mean, this is going on my permanent record!

TIP:

Never,ever, EVER get caught by a teacher when you are trying to teach two idiots a lesson. And pray that you will never have to polish the trophies, all the dust, so suffocating (shudders). All that dust also gives you really bad allergies.

Well, what did you guys think? Should I continue this story?


	6. Chapter 6

Lily Evans' Guide to the Marauders

Chapter 6 Girls

When it comes to girls, well… there are reasons why all four of the Marauders are single. They'll probably be old bachelors and live together someday. I wouldn't want to live in that house.

James and Sirius flirt endlessly with any pretty girls that walk by them. They show off their looks and the talents they think they have. I like to watch this because both of them make complete idiots of themselves, which is nothing new. Those girls are so lucky that they don't know them like I do. But James likes to flirt with me sometimes. Secretly, I enjoy it, but I don't let it show. I usually yell at him or hex him, depending on my mood at the moment.

OK, I usually like to bust on Dumb and Dumber, or Tweedledee and Tweedledumb, whatever you want to call them, but I really must pick on Remus. He is different than the other two. He doesn't flirt and he is madly in love with a friend of mine. She is very smart, pretty, bookish, and a goody-two-shoe like he is; how perfect. She talks easily with him, but he gets nervous when she is around. If she asks him his opinion about how her hair looks or her outfit, he stumbles and usually blurts out words he intends to keep to himself. I know he mentally beats himself about it, but I can't help being amused by it. I try to give him advice, but I usually end up laughing at him in the end. Aren't I such a good friend?

I know my friend feels the same way about him, but I can't convince her to tell him her feelings. Why does love have to be so complicated?

TIP: If you're a girl and you get snared in Sirius and James' flirting trap, get yourself out! They just like how you look. Remus is incapable of female interaction. Oh yeah, I forgot about Peter. He doesn't talk to many girls and isn't interested. I have every reason to believe that he is gay.


End file.
